How To Get Thrown Out Of The Tower Of London
A Tourist’s Guide
In 1996, I flew to London to study art history on a summer study abroad program. It was a good time. I even got to see a soccer riot! (They call it a ‘Fußball tussle’ over there)
The study abroad program was located in a college in Ealing, London, just under Heathrow Airport. Right under it. I cannot for the sweet love of Buddha remember the name of the college I “studied” at. Something like the College of West London. It was almost thirty years ago.
I was there to have fun. Drink. And study art, I think? I had to write a twenty-page paper on Manet, that much I remember.
In 1996 in London the Mad Cow Epidemic was also raging. Everybody in England was freaking out.
Cows were revolting.
Because I’m what’s called “An outside the box thinker,” I realized I could get steaks for around $5.00 at high-end steakhouses, so…. I ate a lot of steaks. What can I say, I didn’t have much money and not a lot of foresight.
A week later I couldn’t get out of bed. For about a week.
I don’t know if I came down with the Mad Cow but I felt like I was dying. Did I have Mad Cow Disease, I don’t know. I’m from the Midwest. We don’t go to the doctor.
I haven’t been allowed to give blood since 🧛🏻♂️
Once I was out of my sick-bed, I was on a mission to see everything I could in London.
The Tower of London was at the top of my list. That’s because The Tower of London was at the top of my tourist brochure.
You have to understand something about me at the time: I had no idea what The Tower of London was, and I was history major. I mean, I had a vague understanding, but not really.
What is The Tower of London you ask? Apparently, it’s primary purpose was for chopping off the heads of Henry VIII’s wives.
The Crown Jewel Incident Of 1996
Fun, But Possibly Boring Fact: The Tower of London houses the Crown Jewels of England.
Now, I’m not a big jewel kind of guy, but I already was at The Tower (locals just call it “The Tower”) and I thought, hey, why not go look at the Crown Jewels. Everybody else was talking about them and waiting in line to see these things.
So, in I went.
To see The Crown Jewels.
Aside: Until two years ago I thought they were called ‘The Crowned Jewels.’ Luckily, Downtown Abbey set me straight.
Once inside “The Tower,” you are subjected to all sorts of history displays and artifacts before you reach…
… The Jewel House.
The “Jewel House” is a Castle-looking place in The Tower grounds. It’s the most popular place there.
And I had my disposable camera at the ready.
I was ready to witness the Splendor of The Crown Jewels!
In the Jewel House, I ignored all signs, and I mean signs on the wall. I ignored all loudspeaker announcements. All warnings in the brochure…
Do Not Take Photos!
I blame it on the mad cow disease that I might’ve had. I was told it messes up your brain. Plus, I zone out in history museums, who doesn’t, and this was the history museum to beat all history museums.
Once you enter the Jewel House, you ride a moving sidewalk, just like you’re at the airport. That was kind of weird. But this was a short ride past…
The Crown Jewels of England!
As the people mover took me past the wonderous Crown Jewels, I pulled out my disposable camera and started snapping away.
Wow. The Crown Jewels. The garishness. The gaudiness! Everybody seemed super excited.
The excitement was contagious! Just like Mad Cow Disease!
And I noticed I was getting some looks.
Some side-eyes…
Everything Falls Apart At The Tower Of London’s Jewel House :(
At the end of the moving sidewalk, after I was done taking all my photos, I felt somebody grab my arm.
What the heck??
Was I being attacked??
No.
It was a guard.
And not just any guard. One of those guards in a costume. A “Yeoman Warder” they were called.
A Beefeater.
Beefeaters could smell the Mad Cow on me.
And boy, this beefeater was mad.
[they were called beefeaters because they were paid, partially, in beef. (wtf) This was considered part of their benefit package in the 1600s before 401ks were invented]
One of these guys:
He just pointed at all the signs stating, “NO PICTURES!”
And boy, he was mad.
Like, really worked up. More than I thought the situation required.
He thought I was just being a dick, but me being me, I was just being stupid. I didn’t see the hundreds of NO PICTURES signs written in every possible language.
He kept me by the arm, walked me to a back door, and threw me out.
Oh, the Humanity!
The Humiliation!
I was even with my entire study abroad class.
He actually threw me out of The Tower Of London!
Because I broke the most important law of England: Don’t Take Pictures Of The Gad Dang Crown Jewels.
But there’s one thing this festooned guard didn’t do:
He forgot to confiscate my disposable camera.
The two pictures below are the illegal pictures I managed to smuggle out of The Tower of London:
The Crown Jewels are pretty gaudy if you ask me, but like I said, I’m no Crown Jewel expert. If you are into that kind of thing, you go girl.
I’m still on a do-not-admit-list at The Tower of London. Almost thirty-years later. Persona non grata.
I will never lay eyes on The Crown Jewels of England ever again.
Thanks a lot, Mad Cow Disease.
You scrambled my brain.
If I ever had you at all.
PS: Yes, I know flash photography can degrade colors and material. I know, I know. I probably didn’t know in 1996… but I know now.
:(
By https://www.itv.com/news/london/2023-04-24/beefeaters-at-the-tower-unveil-new-uniform-for-kings-reign-ahead-of-coronation - https://www.itv.com/news/london/2023-04-24/beefeaters-at-the-tower-unveil-new-uniform-for-kings-reign-ahead-of-coronation, CC BY-SA 4.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=131356368
In 1997 was thrown out of the Restaurant in the King David Hotel in Jerusalem when it was apparent that after an hour or so of ordering only bread it was clear I had no money and didn’t intend to order anything more than water.
This sounds like something that could have happened to me in my youth. “Beefeaters could smell the Mad Cow on me” is masterful.