The Unexpected Exorcist: Episode 20

Let's Get Ready To Exorcise!

Aug 08, 2024

Recap

Last time on The Unexpected Exorcist: Father Andersen questions the owner of the Larrabee Fruit Farm, Chet Larrabee. Things are out of control in the farm house. Father Andersen steels himself to fight the demons within.

Back at DED HQ, Uziel Axe has been brought to the Tactical Equipment Room by Sister Catherine. That’s where we find him today.

If you’re just starting out reading The Unexpected Exorcist, CLICK HERE for Episode 1!

New episodes every Tuesday and Thursday at 3 PM PDT!!

- Adam Lutzi Rockwell

DED HQ - Tactical Equipment Room

Uziel followed Sister Catherine into the room, definitely not expecting what he found. Another large room, square, about a thousand square feet, completely metal, same as the door. Tibetan Mandalas were etched on the walls.

The whole place was dim. The room was illuminated by large crystals that hung in metal sconces attached to the side of the metal walls. The crystals gave off just enough light to see what needed to be seen.

“Jeez, where’s Merlin?” said Uziel. “This place is freaky.”

The back of the room had metal shelves filled with scrolls, neatly stacked. There was one shelf filled with leather bound antiquarian books. Two large reading podiums sat in front of the stacks. A 1970s style card catalog sat off to one side.

There was a wardrobe section and a number of large, locked closets. Three tables sat in the front of the room. Next to the door hung four breathing masks with four oxygen tanks.

“Shut the door, Uziel,” Sister Catherine barked.

He turned and searched for a handle, but there was just a large, heavy metal ring. The same demon in metal relief on the interior. Uziel used his shoulder to shut it. The door was heavy, and he really had to push to get the thing to latch. When he pushed it back into place, the same mechanical sounds groaned through the room. It locked.

“We have about an hour of air, so let’s try to make this quick.”

“About?”

“Thereabouts. This place is hermetically sealed. It was designed in ancient Sumer as a demon-proof room. No demon in, no demon out. The Mandalas ward off demons. As long as the door is closed, we have nothing to worry about.” She had already opened a closet and was pulling out a suit.

“Except for suffocation,” he said.

“Yeah, except for that. There’s oxygen over there by the door.”

“How would a demon ever get by those Marines and the airlock?”

“You never know, but the one thing they can’t do is get into this room. It’s the most important room except for…”

“Except for what?

“Junior agents don’t have clearance for that info.”

“You’re such a tease.”

She ignored him and laid a suit on the table. “Forty-six long?”

“I have no idea. It’s been ten years since I got my TSA blazer,” said Uziel, feeling the suit’s fabric. “Itchy.”

Sister Catherine shook her head, “You’re worse than one of my Sunday school students. Go put that suit on. Here’s the tie. She handed him a broad purple tie. He took the accessory and examined it.

“Purple? I’m from Wisconsin and I am not wearing this.”

“It’s the only color at the DED. And it’s part of your uniform so put it on.”

“Why purple? That’ll really bring out the crazy in my demon-glasses.”

“Demons are averse to purple. Plus, that tie has a gold coated, high tensile Kevlar filament cord running its length. Just put it on and stop complaining.”

“Fine,” he muttered. “So, demons really can’t pass through gold?”

“No. They’re averse to it. It’s why women wear gold necklaces today. It’s hypothesized that it is a cultural holdover from medieval times when the wives of rich noblemen wore gold necklaces. Not the worst protection from possession.”

“Never saw that on the Discovery Channel.”

“Change your clothes in the stacks.”

“Right,” he moved to the back of the stacks and started stripping. “Hey, Sister, this is probably the first time I’ve been in a library in ten years.”

“You don’t say,” she yelled back. “Shocking!”

As he got dressed, Sister Catherine set out a small metal box on the table, a medium-sized leather satchel, five vials of different colored salts, a utility belt with a simple gold buckle, two pieces of bright white chalk, a large black ring with a six-sided Seal of Solomon engraved on it and a hand-carved Pernambuco ocarina flute.

She also set a size thirteen pair of black combat boots on the table.

Uziel emerged from the stacks in black stocking feet wearing a black suit, black shirt, and a purple tie. His gold demon glasses completed the outfit. He held his street clothes and Jordans in his hands.

“I’m not going into public dressed like this,” he informed Sister Catherine.

“You look good though,” she said, trying not to laugh. The outfit was very 80s. But he pulled it off in his own way.

“I’d rather be dressed like a priest.”

She checked her watch. “Come on, time’s a wasting. And put these boots on. You’re gonna’ need them where we’re headed.”

“Okay,” Uziel stretched and moved around. “Feels okay,” he said.

“Not too scratchy?”

“Funny.” He sat at one of the chairs and started putting the boots on. “What’s all this stuff?” He picked up one of the vials of pink salt and shook it.

“This stuff is your exorcism gear. Everything you need to exorcise and contain a demon.” She stood above the table and took the salt out of his hands.

“This… is demon salt. It was mined in the Himalayas and blessed by both priests and monks from the Catholic and Tibetan Buddhist traditions. Works like a charm. Demons hate the stuff. Your belt has holsters on the left side for each vial. They are made from heavy glass, but be careful.” She threw the vial of pink salt she was holding at Uziel and he deftly caught it.

“I have never heard of demon salt. Where’s the holy water?”

“Holy water doesn’t work against demons. Works like a charm on vampires though,” she smiled.

Was she being serious?

“Do you just throw the salt on them? The demons?”

“The salt can be used as an offensive weapon or create a protective barrier. Next, the chalk. The chalk is just chalk, but we use it to create the demon-trap. Just stick those in your pocket.”

He did.

“And here we have a mixed bag of various holding stones. Colored and clear diamonds.” She opened the leather pouch and carefully poured the contents onto the table. It was a colorful mixture of differently colored and sized diamonds. “These diamonds are worth well over two-hundred thousand dollars, so please… please don’t lose them. The paperwork is a nightmare.”

Uziel gazed at the stones. None of them glowed. “How do we use the stones?”

“I’ll have to show you. It’s a bit of a process. They’re just basic diamonds, but naturally occurring ones. We have never been able to get a lab-grown diamond to work even though they’re chemically identical.”

“Okay. Two-hundred thousand dollars you said?”

“Don’t get any ideas,” she said, swiping the stones off the table back into the satchel.

She picked up the ring and slid it to him. “Wear this at all times. It’s a protection ring. Demons hate the Seal of Solomon. You can drive a lower demon out of a host by simply touching the ring to the forehead.”

Uziel had big hands and fingers. He attempted to put the ring onto his ring finger, but it wouldn’t fit. The only finger it would fit on was his pinky.

“Jesus, a pinky ring with the Star of David on it??”

He examined the inlay.

“That is a powerful symbol. Demons despise these rings more than the salt. The rings were forged by the ancestors of Moses three-thousand years ago. Those people were demonologists of the highest order. Our archaeologists found a cache of these rings in the 1940s near the Dead Sea. Only top-level DED agents get one. God knows why Director Jinpa assigned one to you.”

“Real nice.” He picked up the ocarina.

“That is an ocarina, hand-carved by the Yanomami people of the Amazon Basin. We use ocarinas to play a very specific set of chords that drives the demons into the holding stones. Easy peasy.”

Uziel blew on it and it made an awful noise.

“You’re going to need lessons. Luckily, I’m a good teacher. Finally,” she slid the metal box over to him. “Here is your gun. It’s a standard Glock nine-millimeter.” She slid the little key over to Uziel.

Uziel got a glimmer in his eye. He immediately opened the box. A sleek, black Glock-19, a box of bullets, and a black belt holster. He had always wanted to carry one.

“Better than pepper spray!” he said.

“You can say that again.”

“Do the bullets have little crosses carved in them or anything?”

“No… but that’s not a bad idea.”

“Bummer.”

“The pistol is a weapon of last resort. To kill a human host. If you do that, you have defeated the entire purpose of the DED. Defend the innocents at all cost.”

Uziel began putting the holster on his belt, right side.

“What do you mean last resort?”

“If a member of the human community is being put in harm’s way, then we have the authority from the Director to put the human host down. If the host dies, the demon goes back to Hell.”

“Well, that’s one way to send a demon downstairs.”

Uziel loaded nine bullets into the clip and popped it into the pistol.

“Don’t we need a cross?”

“I’m in charge of the cross. Since you’re not a Christian you are not allowed to use the cross in exorcisms.”

“But do they work on vampires?” he asked, only half-joking.

“Of course.”

“Of course, she says… Now that I’m all geared up, are we finally going to get some sleep? I can’t wait to get back to my luxury suite.”

“You can get some sleep on the plane. But we have one more stop before we leave.”

“On the plane? After today? I need my beauty sleep, Sister Catherine.”

“We have an investigation to carry out in Oregon. The Director told me it would be a good training ground for you. Things have been moving up in priority since two days ago.”

“Oregon? Isn’t it all just a bunch of hipsters and pine trees out there? That’s a long flight.”

“Welcome to the DED.”

“Thanks.”

“Now, let’s get you outfitted with your guardian angel.”

“Oy vey.”

“Oy vey is right. Just leave your street clothes on the table. I’ll have one of our staff return your pile of fashion to your room.”

“VIP service.”

DED HQ - The Guardian Angel Room

Uziel and Sister Catherine entered a small room with shelves of mahogany boxes that lined the room. Just one high table stood in the middle of the room. Uziel and Sister Catherine stood on opposite sides of the table.

“This is the Guardian Room. Like I told you, every DED agent is imbued with the spirit of a guardian angel. This guardian helps fill your soul and keep any malevolent forces out of your body. It’s a protective measure. You already met my guardian, but it’s time that you select yours.”

Uziel studied the various boxes. Each had a dim glow through his demon glasses. Clear white auras.

“How am I supposed to select one? This is so creepy. Can’t we just skip this?”

“Um, no, you can’t skip it. You signed an agreement to have the DED instill a guardian angel. It’s important, Uzi. Think of it as a vaccine.”

“I don’t like needles.”

She sighed, “The guardian will create order in your mind when under demonic attack or oppression. It’s one of the many tools the DED has to fight demons. You need one to operate in the field.”

“Sister, I do not want some interdimensional being inside my noggin’. How are you people okay with this?”

Sister Catherine loved her angel but didn’t even know its name. If the name of the angel did not reveal itself, it did not matter.

“Uzi, you have to trust me on this. It could be very positive for your spiritual growth.”

“I don’t need some motivational, anti-anxiety angel, Sister. Does it even speak English?”

“It doesn’t speak. Its language is of calm and well-being. That’s all it will do.”

“Like a celestial Xanax.”

“I guess. And remember, a guardian angel will help you resist a demonic intrusion that could put your soul at peril.”

“My soul… ha! I suppose I’ve had worse. One time I took a hundred milligram Sour Diesel gummy, and let’s just say that for the next twenty-four hours I had what could only be described as a demonic possession.”

“You’re getting off subject, Uziel.”

“Fine. Quick question.”

“What?”

“How do I get it out? Do I need an angel exorcism?”

“An angel is the polar opposite of a demon. If you don’t want it, then just ask it to leave. It will do so immediately.”

He thought about it for a minute and decided he’d come this far….

“What the hell, let’s do this. What do I do? Is it a pill?” It was absurd on the face of it, but then again, so was everything else he had been experiencing.

“No, not a pill. Since you are an adept seer, I can’t promise your experience will be the same as mine or anybody else's. I can only tell you it will be beneficial.”

“Cool.”

“All you have to do is pick a box. Inside is a pearl. Pick a box that calls to you. Then set the box on the table.”

Uziel walked through the short shelving units and examined the boxes. Each was hand carved. Extreme detail. All angelic carvings. He looked up and down the shelves.

“They all look the same with the same aura, Sister.”

“Which box feels right?”

“None!”

Sister Catherine looked at her watch. They had a plane to catch. “Just pick the one that feels right. I can’t explain it any further.”

Uziel sighed. They all appeared more or less the same. He pushed his demon-glasses up onto his forehead and rubbed his eyes. Before putting the glasses back in place, he noticed the aura from a box on the bottom against the back wall was much more intense. He slipped his glasses into his pocket and went to the box, picked it up and checked it out. It was like all the others, but the aura pulsated. It was different.

“You going with that one?” She knew which guardian it was. Everyone in the DED knew which box Uziel was holding. Of course he picked THAT box.

“Yeah, guess so. Its aura is really bright.”

“That would stand to reason. He loves getting out and about.”

“What now?” he asked, annoyed.

She took the box from his hands and set it on the high table.

“Open the box,” she said.

Uziel shook his head. “I can’t believe I’m doing this. Here we go… big money, no whammies,” he said, opening the box.

The inside of the box was lined in a crushed deep purple velvet. Cradled in the center of the box was a medium-sized white pearl. The aura was soothing.

“What happens now?” he asked. “Does it zap me?”

“Just pick up the pearl with the tips of your index fingers, and only your index fingers,” she said.

“My index fingers?”

“Yes, it conducts the spirit of the angel efficiently.”

Uziel had large fingers. It felt like playing a game of Operation. He balanced the pearl between his two big index fingers precariously and looked over at Sister Catherine.

“Well?” he asked.

“Give it a minute.”

“This is so stupid.”

He waited, watching the pearl. Quite suddenly, the aura moved from the pearl, split into two, and moved up both of his fingers. It didn’t feel like anything, so he just kept holding the pearl. Then, it shot quickly around his arms into his head. A feeling of wellness enveloped him.

“Okay,” he said. “I think it’s in.”

“Put the pearl back in the box please,” said a voice that wasn’t Sister Catherine. It had a heavy British accent. “Careful now…”

The voice startled Uziel. “Come on, we don’t have all day.” It was the voice of a man. At least it sounded like a man. This time when Uziel heard the voice he flinched and dropped the pearl. It bounced on the table and rolled off onto the floor and under one of the shelves.

“Oh, come on, mate, I said careful! That’s my home.”

The voice came from inside his head. It was not his mind. It was a different entity. It was the guardian angel. “Sister Catherine, you said this thing wouldn’t talk!”

She was already on the ground picking up the pearl.

“Wait a minute, you can hear me?” said the voice.

“You are talking to me, aren’t you?” exclaimed Uziel.

Sister Catherine snagged the pearl and stood. “What do you mean it talked?”

“I can hear it talking to me!” he said with a deeply furrowed brow.

“I’m not an it, Mr. Axe… my name is Theodore.”

“It says his name is Theodore.”

Uziel put a finger in his ear and plunged it. Didn’t help.

“I’m glad you picked Theodore. He’s a great choice. For you. The last person to host Theodore was another seer. A Lutheran pastor.”

“You said it wouldn’t talk!”

“Stop calling me an it!” said Theodore. “If you’re going to talk about me, could you please call me Todd?” The voice asked.

“Theodore says that if I’m going to talk about him, I should call him Todd. Todd? That isn’t short for Theodore. Is it?”

“No,” said Todd. “I just like that name and it’s close enough.”

“Okay, good to meet you, Todd.”

“Nice to meet you, Mr. Axe.”

You can call me Uzi.”

“Uzi. We are going to have a grand time together fighting the demonic scourge!”

“Okay.”

“I’ll let Director Jinpa know you have made your choice. And that it’s Theodore. I mean, Todd.” She laughed to herself a little. This was the most fun she’d had at the DED in a long while.

“I’m glad you find this funny,” said Uziel.

“Come on, let’s get to work!” said the Guardian Angel Todd.

“Todd said we should get to work. You really don’t hear him?”

“No, but he’s right. We should get to work. We have a plane to catch.”

Uziel put his glasses back on. “You can’t like, read my thoughts, can you, Todd?” asked Uziel.

“Yes, I can,” said Todd inside Uziel’s head.

“Please don’t,” he said.

“I will do my best not to read your thoughts!” said Todd. “Come on, let’s go! I can’t wait to get outside and breathe the fresh air once again!”

“Okay.”

Sister Catherine opened the door, laughing. “Come on, you two. Let’s get a car.”

“Don’t forget to put my box back on the shelf!” said Todd.

“He says not to forget to put his box back on the shelf.”

“Right,” said Sister Catherine, picking up the box and putting it back on the shelf. As they walked out the door, Sister Catherine said, “I can’t believe you picked Todd.”

“Me neither,” said Uziel.

“Me neither! This is going to be wonderful!” said the Guardian Angel Todd.