The Wisconsin Cheese Curd Protocol
Also, The Airport Cheese Curd Incident Of 2023
Fresh, room temperature, Wisconsin cheese curds. Salty and squeaky. If you haven’t had fresh cheese curds, you haven’t really had cheese curds. You just had “cheese.”
I lived in Wisconsin for most of my life, but just over ten years ago we got on the real Oregon Trail, Interstate 90, never to return. Well, except for birthdays, weddings, funerals, family reunions, and when my brother guilts me into visiting.
Currently, I live on the Oregon Coast. Perhaps, not accidently, just an hour south of Tillamook, Oregon. That’s the Dairy Capital of the Pacific Northwest.
It’s always strange to visit Tillamook. It looks JUST like Wisconsin, except for the Pacific Ocean to the west and Coastal Mountain Range to the east that borders the dairy zone.
In the Dairy Zone1 are the same barns, houses, fields, and smells of Wisconsin. It really brings me back.
Really Good Cheese Curds - The Inside Track
There’s only one thing you need to know about cheese curds: Cheese curds must be eaten fresh. At room temperature. Shortly after they’ve come out of the vats.
Is this safe? I don’t know, I assume so, but I’m no cheese scientist.
Refrigerated cheese curds from the dairy section at the supermarket is an inferior cheese curd. FAR inferior. Even cheese curds from reputable, upstanding cheese curd factories taste like a hard, cheap, second-hand cheese if bought from the dairy section in Safeway.
Cheese curds MUST be enjoyed shortly after their birth. This is not just my opinion. It is #facts! If you’ve ever eaten fresh cheese curds, you’d agree with me and never go back. I know I can’t.
Cheese curds bring my mind back to a simpler time. A cheesier time. The 1980s and early 1990s. Back when we had Sun Tea and Atari and could run wild through the fireflies unless there was a serial killer on the loose. Luckily, the cheese curds of yore are still the same thing today.
When I’m back in Wisconsin to visit my family, I still seek out fresh cheese curds. Honestly, there’s not a whole lot more to do. Just kidding, you can always head over to the Leinenkugel’s factory and get fresh beer.
The Ellsworth Cooperative Creamery in Ellsworth, Wisconsin, has THE BEST cheese curds in the world. That’s just one man’s opinion, but I’ve never tasted better, and I’ve had a lot of different cheese curds in my fifty years on this earth.
For those of you fancy city slickers out there who aren’t wise to the whole concept of Wisconsin cheese shops, I must point out that they are not “Cheese Shoppes.” They are “Cheese Shops.” They don’t have fancy Stiltons and blue cheeses. No. They typically have variations of soft yellow and soft white cheeses. Occasionally soft orange cheeses. Calling them cheddars is also pushing the boundaries of cheese related languages and concepts.
My entire life I have referred to the Ellsworth Cooperative Creamery simply as the “Ellsworth Cheese Curd Factory,” because that’s the real reason we went there. To buy cheese curds.
The Ellsworth Cheese Curd Factory (as I shall now refer to it for the remainder of this post) sets out tables in their factory showroom and sells fresh cheese curds that were just created in their cheese factory. The cheese is warm. The curds have been chopped into their curd-like shape, and set out in large bags of warm curdy goodness.
What The Heck Are Cheese Curds?
Like I said, I’m no cheese scientist, so the following video shows the process.
A cheese curd fresh out of the vat, cut into the standard curd shape is salty. And rubbery. And then there’s a tang. And it squeaks when you chew it.
I understand that this might NOT sound appetizing, but fresh cheese curds are like escargot or caviar. It shouldn’t be great, but it is. (Note: I have not had escargot or caviar. I’m not Mr. JP Morgan Chase Stanley Dean Whitter).
An unfortunate side effect of the overconsumption of fresh cheese curds are stomach cramps. I’ve never been tested for lactose intolerance, but it is a strong possibility that I have this affliction. OR… I may just have the same problem as anybody who eats an entire half bag of Ellsworth Cheese Curds.
I can’t help myself. If I get a bag, I’m going to eat half the bag. That said, I only eat half the bag because it’s a physical impossibility to eat an entire bag. If it could be done, I would have done it. I have made the attempt, but I couldn’t finish it. Trust me, eating an entire bag might just kill you.
The Minneapolis Airport Cheese Curd Incident Of 2023
In June of 2023 last year,
, , and I were attending my father’s “Celebration Of Life” in Wisconsin. It sounds like a lot of fun, I know, but it is actually just a wake.On our way back to the airport from “The Celebration,” we decided to make a detour to the Ellsworth Cheese Curd Factory. We were going to pick up a few bags of fresh curds. That… was the true celebration of life!
The stop at the Ellsworth Cheese Curd Factory had to be a quick one. The airplane left three hours later and Ellsworth is about an hour from MSP.
So, we swung in and I ran into the store, grabbed three bags, paid the twenty bucks, and jumped back into the car. We drove as fast as we could and ate one entire bag of curds between the three of us on the way to the airport. We made it on time with two remaining curd bags in tow. We threw them into the carry-on bag and headed into the airport.
When I go through TSA security checkpoints, I often have problems. I get twitchy. Nervous. I don’t know why. I don’t ever carry more than three ounces of cheese on me at any given time. I’m convinced I’m on some kind of “what’s this guy up to” list due to my Google searches for my speculative fiction, but people who travel with me say that I just look nervous. Which I am.
So, I wasn’t surprised when I was pulled out of line for “secondary screening,” or whatever they call it. I was brought to one of the “special booths” where a hulking TSA agent questioned me about everything I had done in the past ten years.
I looked back at my life partner, the painter
. SHE was getting her hands swabbed by another agent for bomb residue. While she is usually up to no good, bomb making and handling is not one of those things.We had forgotten that maybe, just maybe, we shouldn’t bring fresh, warm, cheese curds in our carry on bag. That seemed to make the TSA edgy. The thought of cheese curds setting off alarm bells never even crossed my mind. They said no liquids, but what do I know, they consider peanut butter to be a liquid.
The big TSA guy who was giving me the second degree pulled out the cheese curds and held them in front of me.
“What is this?” he asked.
It said “cheese curds” right on the bag.
“Cheese curds,” I said.
“What’s that?”
City slickers…
He had never heard of cheese curds before. I offered to eat one to prove that they were, indeed cheese, and not the explosive Semtex, but he turned me down. I really would have liked to eat one, and I’m almost convinced HE would have liked to eat one, but apparently, it’s against TSA regulations.
I was patted down and they found nothing on me except the curds.
passed the bomb-swab test and we were good to go!For a brief moment, I was horrified that I would have to discard the cheese curds in the “not allowed” receptacle before entering the main terminal. But, there was a kindness to my assigned TSA agent and he let me go WITH my cheese curds. I almost kissed him I was so happy. He had been very gentle with the pat-down screening.
Cheese Curd Tips And Tricks 2024 Edition
Listen, if you want to get good cheese curds, there’s only one thing you can do: Go directly to the cheese curd factory. Don’t have a cheese curd factory near you? Forget it!
You MUST buy cheese curds fresh from the factory.
And you must eat them within a few hours of purchase. Immediately in the parking lot is preferable.
I would like to tell you that putting refrigerated cheese curds in the microwave for 30 seconds makes them the same as fresh out of the vat cheese curds. I’d LIKE to tell you that, but I don’t live in a fairytale. I live in the real world where you NEED TO GO TO THE CHEESE CURD FACTORY itself. Nothing else will do.
Deep fried cheese curds are probably my second favorite thing in the world, but if you eat too many of these things you will die, and right quick.
If you’re ever traveling to Wisconsin, swing in to one of the hundreds of cheese shops. Maybe call ahead and ask if they have fresh cheese curds. Every part of the state has their own variations. Northwest Wisconsin has some of the best, and my favorite are standard white cheese or standard orange cheese.
So remember, never buy cheese curds that aren’t fresh. Otherwise… you’re just eating cheese.
The End!
It’s not really called The Dairy Zone.
I know someone is from Wisconsin if they take cheese seriously.
I grew up in southern Oregon, close enough to Tillamook Creamery (back when it was still Tillamook Cheese Factory) to know about the wonders of cheese curds but far enough away that they were still a rare treat. Fun fact: when I was around 8 years old, I was at the grocery store with my mom and saw that they were selling cheese curds. I got so excited, I pointed and yelled, "Look Mom! CHEESE TURDS!!!" And that's how I learned they were curds, not turds.