Nobody Puts A Pin In Little Baby
Nobody Puts A Pin In Little Baby
The Intense Saga Of Breaking My Pinky Toe With Iffy Health Insurance
A few years ago, I broke my baby toe. AKA The Pinky Toe. AKA The Small Toe.
I just call her Little Baby.
Baby is the pinky toe on my left foot.
Lefty.
It was a day just like any other summer day in Wisconsin. The birds were singing, and I was in a good mood. Okay, that’s different than most days, but it was a Saturday.
The fair was in town and I was looking forward to bringing my son down to ride the Gravitron. He would have LOVED the Gravitron.
<JK,
would not have gotten on that thing>
I was cleaning up the house and my wife, the painter
, was outside gardening as usual. was playing in his room.I typically go around the house barefoot. Is this common? I have no idea. But I do it like the good hippy I try to be.
Because of my predilection for bare feet (not like that, I’m not Quentin Tarantino!) I’ve had a few toe breaks in my day.
The hits I’ve taken to my proximal, intermediates, distal phalanges and Hallux were just minor and could probably be better described as fracturesque in nature.
So, there I was, a nice July day, Swiffering the house when I heard Fineas yell, “Dad, get back here! My Lego broke!” Or some other kid thing.
So, I set the Swiffer down and headed to his room.
On the way to his room, I encountered my enemy of yore.
The thing I had clipped toes on before.
The antique piano stool we used as a plant stand.
I figure this was some kind of revenge from the stool for not using it for its intended purposes.
It harbored some kind of grudge.
It stuck out one of ITS feet into the hallways and lay in wait.
I didn’t see it.
It was too low.
I crossed the room at rapid pace, as usual, and then felt something.
A sharp pain.
Almost a bee sting.
The piano stool got me. Again.
But this time, the piano stool REALLY got me.
My pinky toe was sticking straight out. Ninety-degree angle.
It didn’t really hurt per se. It was just sticking out at an angle no toe should ever stick out at.
I think I was in shock.
Pinky-Toe Shock Syndrome.
Since it didn’t hurt too much, I sat down and examined it.
Here’s what it looked like:
I thought, “Hmm, that’s not supposed to be like that. Let’s take a look—”
And then I touched it.
Barely touched it.
That’s where the pain was!
A lightning bolt of massive pain shot up my leg directly into my cerebral cortex. I almost passed out.
Luckily, I only got faint. Like when I’m driving over a bridge.
Fineas was still yelling for me to help him with some God-forsaken kid thing.
I got up and limped over to the front door. I yelled to
, “Hey, I think I might require your services. Can you come in here for a moment?”I don’t remember most of these conversations. That’s why it’s “Inspired By Real Events” not “Real Events.”
K.L. is NOT a doctor, but sometimes she thinks she is.
After coming in and examining the toe, she told me, “It’s just out of joint. Let me POP IT BACK IN!”
By this time I had realized that it wasn’t just “popped out of joint.” Somewhere, deep in my toe bones I knew... it was REALLY broken and I had to <gulp> go to our small town hospital while the Dunn County Fair was going on and it was A SATURDAY with iffy health insurance.
The first thing anybody with no or shaky health insurance thinks when they hurt themselves is, “Maybe I can stitch that up,” or “Maybe she can pop it back into joint.”
Just before she tried to “pop it back in,” I shouted, “NOOOOOOOOO!”
We absolutely needed to… go to the emergency room.
I got a stick and hobbled out to the car.
The toe made me look like a wounded duck.
I had RUINED the entire day for everybody. As usual!
We probably weren’t even going to make it to the fair!! <oh no!!>
I assured them that I would accompany them to the fair once the doctor fixed it up.
Menomonie, Wisconsin’s hospital is called The Red Cedar Clinic & Hospital. At least it was then. It’s owned by Mayo Clinic now so you’d think, top-notch, right?
It’s fine for a town of like 15,000 people, but on a weekend in the summer, none of the eight doctors want to work. It’s Wisconsin, they’re at their summer homes on Lake Superior or at a spa in Door County.
They have doctors that, apparently, fly in from all over the country to work ERs. And sometimes these doctors are even from different countries. Those poor doctors.
I knew this fact because we had been bringing in our son to the Emergency Room for various ailments over the years.
I hobbled into the ER lobby and the triage nurse took one look at Baby and brought me right into the exam room. I skipped the line.
Should I have called the ambulance for my broken pinky baby toe?? They were acting like it.
I got nervous.
Was I in danger of sepsis!!??
Maybe.
I was rushed into a room where the doctor saw me WAY sooner than I had expected. I mean, it was just the little toe, right??
The doctor was from Eastern Europe. I don’t remember what country. Maybe Poland. That doesn’t matter to the story other than he was extraordinarily serious.
and I were giggling about the toe, and he said, I will always remember, “What, you think this is funny? This is not funny, my friend.”Oh, I don’t like it when a doctor calls me “my friend.”
I stopped laughing and put on a serious face, hoping I would get an opioid even though I’m not an opioid addict, but seriously who doesn’t like a good opioid when they can get their hands on one.
After a few more minutes of Dr. Serious examining my toe, I was brought to “Imaging.” They had to take about ten different “images” of Baby.
Yeah, that’s right, my baby toe is “Baby’ and is from Alabama.” Go figure. I don’t make the rules here, people.
After waiting an excruciatingly long time we got the x-rays back.
The toe was completely separated from the foot.
Like, completely.
Baby’s bone wasn’t even connected to the foot any more.
The x-ray was disconcerting. I wish I still had it. I’d hang it on the wall.
Baby was more than busted.
She was toast.
For a brief moment I thought this Polish doctor was going to have to amputate her, but he did something much worse. He put Baby into traction of some sort!
I don’t know if it’s called ‘traction’ but it had to hang there in a metal mesh thing as they tried to ease the toe back into place. They injected it with a numbing agent.
It worked!
I had to sit there for three more hours while the toe slid ever closer and closer to “forward facing.”
After spending most of the day getting “Baby” tortured, the doctor had some bad news:
The bill.
But seriously, folks.
No, the bill would come later and it most assuredly was painful.
He told me I was going to need to see a podiatrist who would do a surgery on my toe and put a pin in it.
Put a pin in it? Is that where that term comes from?? I’m too lazy to Google it. (okay I Googled it, it has something to do with putting a pin back in a grenade so it doesn’t go off. Kind of like Baby.)
The doctor had called the podiatrist, who was most likely at his lake house, and they had discussed the situation of Little Baby.
They were going to, literally, put a pin in my pinky toe.
I said, “That sucks.”
He got mad at me for cursing.
They wrapped up the toe, gave me a special slipper I’d have to walk around in for a month, and then I was to return to the podiatrist.
I think my insurance at the time had something like a $20,000 deductible and a surgery would’ve been the death blow to my credit.
So, after a number of weeks of ignoring the Podiatrists Office, I put their phone on block.
And just let Baby heal on her own.
And heal she did.
Today, little baby is doing… fine?
I’m no podiatrist, but it does look a little wonked out.
But I can move it. I’m not sure it fused back, but I have my doubts.
Baby’s bone is most likely separated, forever. So be it.
Thanks a lot Blue Cross Blue Shield of Northern Wisconsin. You turned Baby into a dang mess.
The End!
Next Week On: ‘The Trials and Tribulations of My Toes I will be covering “My Crooked Toe: How He Broke Every Rule.”
P.S. I've never had a broken toe, but I did get a hairline fracture jumping from two patio stairs on to a skateboard ala Farrah Fawcett chasing a perp in Charlie's Angels.
I broke my baby toe (right foot) in Menomonie WI in 1997 and went to Red Cedar ER. My baby toe was also pointing 90degrees to the side, just like your drawing. I caught mine on a coffee table leg though. And yes, I go barefoot as a hippie most of the time. Still do.
The doc laughed at me, he said that the only thing to do for broken toes is to buddy tape them to the next door toes with a cotton ball cushion. I hobbled through the halls of Menomonee high school (I was an English teacher then) with a cane for four weeks.
I’ve broke. Toes 3 times since then. I’ve never gone to a doctor for it since that first time.
But now my right side “ring finger” toe does bend rather loosely in directions it shouldn’t. Yup. Broke that one too once.
Amazing we had such a similar experience in the same town.