The Unexpected Exorcist: Episode 32

Confrontation On The Terrible Tilly: Part II

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<Episode 31 | Table of Contents | Episode 33>

New episodes every Tuesday and Thursday at 3 PM PDT!!

- Adam Lutzi Rockwell

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The Terrible Tilly Lighthouse - The Lantern Room

Uziel climbed the precarious spiral metal staircase carefully. It was impossible to be quiet. It was badly rusted. He watched his feet. The whole metal structure was crumbling from exposure to the elements.

The door to the lantern room, the room that stood atop the lighthouse, was missing. Uziel could see the aura from the far side of the light room. The light had not operated in seventy-five years. The roof and metal superstructure were the only parts left intact.

Uziel knew he was in for a fight. He could sense it. The lantern room was a cage of metal ribs, with a spectacular view of the Oregon coast. The storm was rushing in quickly from the west. The water was blue and gulls soared around the lighthouse.

Uziel peeked his head into the room. The fat little, possessed, man was cross-legged and free-floating three feet off the ground. The auric signal emanated out from his head up into the sky.

“Hey, asshole, get down here. Sister Catherine has a surprise for you downstairs.”

Ahriman did not budge. He kept his eyes closed.

Uziel walked up to him and waved his hand in front of his face. It seemed to be in some sort of deep meditation. Its eyes moved rapidly under the lids.

Uziel knocked on the side of his head. “Wake up. You’re coming downstairs. Now!”

Ahriman’s eyes opened. His right hand jutted out and grabbed Uziel by the throat. A very intense grip.

Ahriman stood and continued to hold Uziel firmly by the throat.

“You foolish human,” said Ahriman. “How dare you attempt to stop my call to convergence?”

He threw Uziel to the ground. Uziel landed in some glass and cut up his hand. He gasped for breath.

“Your call to what?”

Ahriman ignored his question. “You are the one who… the one that turned on us, are you not?” asked Ahriman. “Yes, you are Uziel Axe, the deceiver.”

Through gasps Uziel said, “I… like the nickname… but I still don’t know what the hell you’re talking about!”

“With the blessing of Legion, I shall kill you and get my reward!”

Uziel wiped his nose with his sleeve and stood. “Let’s see you try, big boy.”

It was a cramped space. Ahriman rushed him. Uziel jumped out of the way.

Uziel threw a kick at the side of Ahriman’s knee, connecting and bringing him down immediately.

Ahriman’s jaw hit a crossbar in the light-cage as he went down, knocking out three of his front teeth on his upper jaw.

“You don’t mess with the best, Ahriman!” yelled Uziel.

Ahriman stood, ignoring the blood pouring out of his mouth. “I am Ahriman! How dare you!”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re Ahriman,” Uziel said. “You all look the same to me.”

Uziel opened the palm of his hand as Ahriman approached. He held a small pile of fine pink salt on his open palm. Ahriman stopped, suddenly realizing what it was. Before Ahriman could react, Uziel blew the salt into Ahriman’s face.

“We all have some tricks up our sleeves, I guess. Eh, Ahriman?”

Ahriman reacted immediately to the salt, falling onto his back and clawing at his face. His right pinky finger got caught in his right eyelid and ripped it.

“This stuff really works. Who would’ve guessed, eh, Ahriman? Salt. Your biggest enemy.”

Uziel grabbed the writhing Ahriman by one ankle and pulled him toward the stairs. Ahriman kicked at Uziel, but his height allowed him to keep a safe distance.

Uziel dragged Ahriman out of the light tower and down the rickety flight of stairs.

Ahriman grabbed onto one of the crossbars and attempted to hold on. Uziel yanked him hard and the rusted metal broke.

Sister Catherine had drawn a second Seal of Solomon with chalk in the center of the room. A burning torch lay on either side of the symbol.

“Uziel!” she yelled. “Be careful with him, we need to be able to question Jerry.”

“I’m being as gentle as I can!”

Uziel picked up the demon by the back of its neck in a secure choke hold.

“I like what you’ve done with the place, Sister Catherine! Not creepy or anything.”

“Just bring him over here. Hold him in the middle of the seal.”

“Yes, ‘mam.”

Uziel dragged the kicking and screaming demon towards the seal. It was still scratching at its face in an attempt to remove the salt.

“I doused him in the Demon Salt.”

“Good, you didn’t use the entire bottle this time, did you?”

‘No, just half.”

“Trainees… Hold him still.” It was writhing.

He dragged the demon towards the seal.

“This guy’s fighting like a trophy Musky.” Uziel looked the demon over. “The aura is dimmer.”

“He’s weakening. Bring him over here quickly.”

“I’m weakening too,” said Uziel, dragging the man to the center of the Seal.

“Just hold him there while I do my thing, alright?” said Sister Catherine.

“Do it, then! This is exhausting!”

Uziel pulled Ahriman down to the floor in the center of the Seal and wrapped his legs around the man’s stomach and put him in a full headlock.

“I knew you’d come in handy,” she said to Uziel.

“Just do it already!”

“Okay, okay,” she opened her little exorcism book and turned to a page where she had stuck her finger. She also held her open flask of anointing oil.

“This might take a few minutes.” She began reciting the rites. “In the name of Jesus Christ, our Lord, and by the Virgin Mary…” the demon seethed and smoked. She did a cross of anointing oil directly onto the beast’s face. Some of it got onto Uziel’s glasses and mouth.

“Hey, you’re getting that shit all over me!”

She ignored Uziel and went back to her exorcism. “I confidently undertake the attack of this devil, this demon, this unclean soul! I repulse the attacks of Satan and his Legion. The power of Christ compels thee out! Demon out! Out I command!”

A noxious sulfur odor emanated from Jerry, and he began to smoke. Sister Catherine put the anointing oil flask back into her pocket and pulled out a vial of black Demon Salt.

“It’s not going to like this.”

Uziel tightened his hold on the demon. It tried to headbutt him backwards, but Uziel dodged.

Sister Catherine uncorked the bottle of salt with her mouth and sprinkled the demon salt over the little man. She continued to pour the salt. He kicked and screamed and foamed at the mouth.

“The power of Christ compels you back to the depths of Hell, Ahriman! Ahriman, get thee out! Demon out!”

The sulfur smoke that flowed off the man was overwhelming. Uziel gagged. The aura surged in intensity.

“Oh, I think he crapped himself.”

Sister Catherine knelt and pushed her Seal of Solomon ring directly into the center of the demon’s forehead. It burned and branded the possessed man.

Ahriman cried out, “I will be back!”

The entire room burst with light and the green aura expanded a half mile in a circular pattern in all directions. All of the metal window frames that remained blew out of the building. The remaining doors blew off the hinges and flew down the island.

The top of the lighthouse collapsed in on itself and fell halfway down the stairs.

Then, the aura contracted back into the fat little man, was sucked into the middle of Jerry’s head, and then dissipated into the floor.

And then it was gone.

Jerry shook his head and started coming to. A horrible moment of realization came over his face when he saw Sister Catherine.

“Restrain that man, Uziel!”

Uziel grabbed him again and put him right back into the headlock.

“Ow, ow, let me go! What the heck is going on here?” Jerry spoke with a Bostonian accent.

“Jerry Smeltzer, by order of the Department of Homeland Security, I am placing you under arrest for the crime of cooperating with demonic forces. Jerry, you of all people? A familiar!”

She pulled out a set of handcuffs and walked toward him.

“Sister,” Jerry said, “It’s not what you think! I’m not a familiar! I swear!”

“Tell it to the Board of Professional Inquiry,” she said, slapping the handcuffs on.

The sound of the helicopter approached. It flew towards the island rapidly. Uziel stood and pulled Jerry up with him.

“Helicopter’s back,” said Sister Catherine. “We need to get down there. They have strict instructions not to land if they don’t see us. Jerry, you’re coming with us.”

The storm was almost upon them. The Coast Guard chopper was buffeted by the wind and had two aborted landings. Finally on the third, it landed.

The three of them stood just outside the lighthouse building.

They carefully made their way down the steps to the ad-hoc landing strip. The pilot pointed at his watch.

Sister Catherine got in and Uziel pushed Jerry in. Uziel slid the door shut behind them.

“Where are your jackets?” the pilot yelled.

Sister Catherine just pointed up at the lighthouse. “Sorry.”

The pilot just shook his head.

The helicopter lifted off.

Sister Catherine sat back in the seat and started laughing.

“What’s so funny?” Uziel yelled to her.

“I had to come all the way to Oregon to arrest Jerry Smeltzer. Jerry, you are such a shit.”

The helicopter beelined for Seaside. Uziel also sat back in his seat, exhausted and bloodied. He glanced over at Jerry who was fidgeting. Talking to himself in what sounded like Latin or some other language Uziel didn’t know.

“I am not a familiar, Sister Catherine! I am not! They promised me that I would be rich if I set Ahriman free. Rich, Sister Catherine! Do you know how much money a janitor makes?”

“Do you know how much money a nun makes?”

“No,” said Jerry.

“Nothing! My entire paycheck goes to my Abbey.”

With that, Jerry started crying.

“Is that true?” asked Uziel.

“Haven’t either of you ever heard of the vow of poverty?” she asked.

Jerry cried and cried. He lifted his hands and examined the handcuffs, tears streaming down his face.

Jerry suddenly tried to open the door to jump out of the helicopter, but Uziel yanked him hard back by the cuffs.

“Damn it, Jerry, do you know how much paperwork you’re going to create?”

He didn’t say another word.

The helicopter was back on the beach three minutes later.

Rabbi Green stood holding two cups of hot coffee.

Uziel opened the door to the helicopter, pushing Jerry out.

“Jerry??” asked Rabbi Green.

<Episode 31 | Table of Contents | Episode 33>

New episodes every Tuesday and Thursday at 3 PM PDT!!