The Unexpected Exorcist: Episode 33

The DED Confidential Informant

If you are just starting out reading The Unexpected Exorcist, CLICK HERE for Episode 1.

<Episode 32 | Table of Contents | Episode 34>

New episodes every Tuesday and Thursday at 3 PM PDT!!

- Adam Lutzi Rockwell

---

Recap

Last week on The Unexpected Exorcist: Special Agents Uziel Axe and Sister Catherine faced off against the demon Ahriman in the Terrible Tilly island lighthouse. In the end, they succeeded in casting him back to Hell.

A day later, they are back in Washington, DC, riding in a DED transport vehicle.

Washington National Cathedral

Uziel and Sister Catherine rode in the back of a black SUV. Uziel slept soundly, head on the tinted window. The SUV pulled up to the front of the Washington National Cathedral. It was five in the afternoon. The sun was setting.

A thunderstorm rumbled in the distance. The large Gothic stone cathedral was enormous. Incredibly high ceilings and ringed with strange gargoyles of all grotesque varieties.

“Uziel, wake up. We’re here,” said Sister Catherine, shaking him.

He opened his eyes and looked out the window. “This isn’t headquarters. Where are we?”

“National Cathedral. We need to see a guy about a horse.” She patted the driver on the shoulder. “We won’t be long,” she said to the driver.

“Yes, Sister, I’ll circle,” said the driver.

“What about a horse?”

“You can be a bit dim, Agent Axe.”

“Hey!”

Sister Catherine got out and Uziel groaned. Icy rain began to fall and thunder rumbled in the distance. He got out, following her.

“What are we doing here, Sister? I’m not in the mood for church.”

“I have to see one of my confidential informants. He may be able to answer some of our questions. He better be able to answer them, at least.”

“The DED has CIs?”

“Yeah, they can be helpful. Sometimes. By the way, we’re having an all-hands staff meeting at HQ at six. Just got word on our way here from the airport.”

“A staff meeting? Tonight? Is there going to be food?”

“You always have food on the mind, Agent Axe.”

“What’s the meeting about.”

“I don’t know, probably the whole demons trying to take over the world thing. Director Jinpa has new information and new orders. He may have figured out what’s going on in demon land.”

“Who’s this CI?” he asked, trying to keep up with Sister Catherine as she walked quickly up the concrete path to the front of the Cathedral. She popped a piece of gum in her mouth and started chewing.

“You’re going to love him,” she said sarcastically, opening the enormous front door.

Uziel was astonished by the size of the cathedral. The flying buttresses were imposing. Rows of pews seemed endless. The flash of lightning blazed through the stained-glass windows. Busts, reliefs, statues, and various crosses were peppered throughout.

“Hey Todd, are you seeing this?”

“Yes, impressive,” said Todd.

“How old is this place?”

“I have never been here before,” said Todd.

“What? You’re an angel!”

“I’m a guardian angel, not an angel, Uzi. There’s a big difference.”

“You learn something new every day.”

“One would hope.”

Sister Catherine kept walking quickly towards the front of the Cathedral, shaking her head at Uziel’s interaction with his guardian angel.

As he walked up the aisle, Uziel sensed something out of the corner of his eye. He looked up. Two white orbs flitted about the ceiling.

“Sister, we might have a problem,” said Uziel.

She stopped, turned around and blew a bubble. “What now?”

He pointed to the ceiling. Just then, one of the orbs descended rapidly. Uziel ducked. Sister Catherine didn’t even notice it. It zipped between them.

“Didn’t you see that? I think there’s a demon in here!”

“What did you see?” she asked, exasperated.

“White orbs, one just buzzed us.”

“Those are just angels. Most holy places have a couple of them. You seers get all the fun. Don’t worry about it.”

“Todd, did you see that?” Uziel was overly excited.

“Yes, Uzi. I know him. That was Michael.”

“The Archangel?” asked Uziel excitedly.

“No, that was Michael Swinkowski. He was a bricklayer when they built the Cathedral.”

“Interesting,” said Uziel.

Sister Catherine turned and began walking again, “I told you not to talk to Theodore in public.”

“There’s nobody here.” He hurried to catch up with her.

“I’m here!”

“You seem cranky.”

“You think?”

The National Cathedral is run by Episcopalians. It’s a place for all religions to come together, but it has other uses too. Secret uses.

Behind the front altar of the church was an elaborate reredos entitled, “The Jerusalem Altar.” It was a massive relief of Jesus Christ. Behind the altar were two thick, dark wooden doors. One off each side.

Sister Catherine quickly made her way to the south door. She stopped and turned to Uziel.

“Uziel, I need you to stay cool in there,” she said.

“Me? I’m a cucumber.”

“Good. But also keep an eye on him for me.”

“No problem. You’re really building this guy up.”

“He’s not exactly a… guy.”

Without another word she opened the door and went in.

“What do you think, Todd?”

“I think we’d better follow her and do exactly as she says.”

“Me too.”

He followed her into the dark room behind the door.

The room was dimly lit. As soon as Uziel stepped into the back room he was hit by a deep, purple aura that almost knocked him to the ground.

The room was utilitarian in nature; high ceilings, folding chairs, tables, and clerical supplies.

Standing at a tall table was an Anglican Priest dressed in a white cassock and simple green tippet around his shoulders. No cross. He was sixty-five years old. Bald and rimless glasses.

That’s not what Uziel saw.

The purple aura that surrounded the Priest was the shape of a crow with outstretched wings.

Sister Catherine walked straight up to the man and punched him in the face. He fell to the ground laughing.

“It’s the crow, Sister Catherine! Be careful!”

“I know,” she said, standing above the priest. Blood dripped out of his mouth. “Agent Axe, this is Malphas. Malphas, Special Agent Uziel Axe. Now get up, you’ve got some explaining to do.”

Malphas spoke with an ultra-deep voice. It was the same voice Uziel had heard in The Planes of Purgatory. “Agent Uziel Axe. How good to meet you in person. I am Malphas, Commander of the Forty Legions of Hell.” He stood up, wiped his mouth, and walked over to Uziel, extending his hand.

“Uziel, don’t shake his hand,” said Sister Catherine. “You’re on thin ice, Malphas.”

“Come now, Sister Catherine,” said the demon. “I was just having a little fun.”

“Fun to you and fun to us are two different things. Take a seat. I have a few questions and we’ll be on our way.”

“I can’t imagine what they might be.”

“Sit!” she commanded. “We can do this the hard way or the easy way. You are here under the Demonic Exorcism Division’s amnesty program. You still have to hold up your end of the bargain or you know exactly where you’re going, and I don’t think they’ll take too kindly to you these days.”

Uziel took a few steps back from Malphas. The visage of the crow disconcerted him. He was on the verge of nausea and pushed his demon glasses tight against his head.

“I was hoping this young new specimen was my new host,” said Malphas.

“You know damn well he isn’t. Father Palmer was kind enough to allow you to use him.”

“Yes, because he’s dying of cancer.”

“He’s a fine host. If you give me the info we need, we can discuss a new host.”

“You said that the last time we met six months ago!” he shouted.

“Then maybe you should stay put and out of our dreams on the Planes. Everybody at headquarters told me not to bring you in and I’m starting to think they were right.”

“What the hell do you want?” Malphas asked.

“Simple. I want you to tell me exactly what’s going on with Legion.”

“What do you want to know?”

“What is Legion planning? We’ve had free floaters, an increase in familiar activity, and outright demonic terrorism. What has you creepers all riled up?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” said Malphas, looking away, down at his nails.

Sister Catherine took off her cross and walked up to him.

“Your cross doesn’t do anything to me, you know that… Sister,” he hissed.

She raised the cross up and hit him hard across the face. It threw him right out of his chair and back onto the ground. She stood over him.

Uziel’s eyes were wide. “Whoa. Remind me not to piss her off, Todd.”

“Tell me right now what’s going on or I’ll take you to cold storage myself. Right now!”

Malphas grabbed his face. A red cross formed on his left cheek. “Sister Catherine!”

“Tell me! What’s the plan? We know Beelzebub is involved—”

“He’d kill me! He would cast me into the Void if he found out I told you anything!”

“What do you think we’re going to do if you don’t help us? Agent Axe, please get me a medium-sized diamond. We’re performing our second exorcism of the day.”

“Just a sec,” said Uziel, rummaging through his leather pouch. He pulled a stone out and held it up. “This one good?”

“That will work,” she said.

He walked over and handed it to Sister Catherine. She held it over Malphas.

“Last chance, buddy. Spill the beans or I’m evicting you.”

“Okay!” he screamed. “I’ll tell you… Jesus Christ. Settle down and put that stone away!”

“Talk!”

He got up slowly, holding his cheek and sat back in the chair.

“Beelzebub put out a call to the entire Legion. A Call of Convergence. I believe the call came directly from Ahriman. Haven’t heard from him in a while.”

“WHY?!”

“Simple, really. To release our brethren.”

“Do they know where they’re being held?”

“Yes.”

“Dang it. What’s their timeline?”

“Tomorrow morning.”

“Why now?”

“General Beelzebub commanded it. You think that there would be no repercussions for keeping us prisoners in your diamonds? Of course this would come to a head one day.”

“You are just a font of information. What else?”

“We were commanded to kill that one,” he said, pointing at Uziel. “Kill with extreme prejudice and drag his soul to Hell. There’s quite a bounty on you, Mr. Axe.”

“It’s Special Agent Axe,” said Uziel.

“Special Agent,” said Malphas, rising from the chair. His auric form stretched its crow wings out. “You were marked for death by Beelzebub himself. You will die, Special Agent Axe. It’s just a matter of when.”

“They can try,” said Uziel.

“They will, oh most certainly they will,” said Malphas. “If I killed you right now, they would let me back into Hell with open arms. They would probably throw me a party!”

“You wanna’ go?” asked Uziel, putting up his fists.

“Enough!’ yelled Sister Catherine.

Sister Catherine splashed some anointing oil across Malphas’s face. He screamed and smoked. She shoved him back down into the chair.

“I’m putting this in your report, Malphas. Your agreement is going under review. And stay out of Uziel’s dreams. That’s an order!”

His face smoked. “Fine, fine!”

“Come on, Uzi, we need to get back to HQ.”

She turned and glared at Malphas. “Our watchers have an eye on you. If you even think about leaving the Cathedral, you’ll be on the top of my list. I might just descend you.”

“Fine! Yes, I’ll stay out of his dreams!”

“And if you peep a word of our visit to Legion we’ll be back.”

“Fine!”

She immediately turned and left the room without another word.

Uziel and Malphas stood there staring at each other.

“What she said,” said Uziel and quickly turned and followed her out of the room.

“Screw you, Sister Catherine!” Malphas screamed. “And your little boyfriend!”

Uziel caught up to Sister Catherine, who was already halfway up the aisle of the Cathedral.

“He gets upset easily,” said Sister Catherine. “But he usually cools down pretty quickly.”

“Why do you work with that guy? What an asshole.”

“He’s not a guy… and he gives us good information. Sometimes.”

“Why is he working with us at all?”

“That’s a story for another day.”

<Episode 32 | Table of Contents | Episode 34>

New episodes every Tuesday and Thursday at 3 PM PDT!!